Worst and weirdest lyrics of the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest

Yes, it’s time again for the greatest festival of English-as-a-second-language songwriting, the Eurovision Song Contest. This year’s contest in Baku has given us the usual mix of songwriters who use languages that have wonderfully weird metaphors and songwriters who thought they could write in English but should have stuck to languages that have wonderfully weird metaphors.

Here is my pick of the worst and weirdest lyrics in the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest.

Weirdest lyrics:

Watch out! Her plane may land on the unlit runway of your soul.

Atëron aeroplani im në pistë pa drita të shpirtit tënd
(My plane is landing on the unlit runway of your soul)
– Suus, Rona Nishliu (Albania)

Kotšıše no šumpote no, punije no šumpote, kotšıše no šumpote no, punije no šumpote, mılı-kıdı kapčija no šumpotonen pačılme, mılı-kıdı kapčija no šumpotone no
(The cat is happy, the dog is happy, the cat is happy, the dog is happy, we are in a wonderful mood and very happy, we are in a wonderful mood, oh joy)
– Party for everybody, Buranovskiye Babushki (Russia)

Dei Popo hot Gefühle, dei Popo is a Teil von dia, Setz erm ned auf de Stühle, dei Popo hot a Meinung, yeah
(Your bum has feelings, your bum is a part of you, Don’t put it on chairs, your bum has an opinion, yeah)
– Woki mit deim Popo, Trackshittaz (Austria)

Blaue Grotte Ausflug do Žanjica, heute habe obotnica
(Excursion to Blue Grotto at Žanjica, today I have octopus)
– Euro Neuro, Rambo Amadeus (Montenegro)

My meters are peaking, I can tell you’re around
– Stay, Tooji (Norway)

Wise woman say there is no birth without falling. Very deep.

Nema ragjanje bez pagjanje
(There is no birth without falling)
– Crno i belo, Kaliopi (FYR Macedonia)

Lama lokhets alay? Tishan
(Why are you pressuring me? Go to sleep)
– Time, Izabo (Israel)

Ti nisi živio sam u zlatu paukove mreže… kao ja
(You’ve never lived alone in a spider’s web… like I have)
– Korake ti znam, Maya Sar (Bosnia & Herzegovina)

I’ll let you think twice, I don’t wanna cause any pressure, but have you asked yourself why I bought a brand new gun shot?
– L’amore é femmina, Nina Zilli (Italy)

Worst lyrics:

Not being able to set you free is killing him. Bit of sympathy wouldn’t go astray.

Hey, I believe you and me,
we are meant to be,
I can’t set you free,
can’t you see
this is killing me?
– This is the Night, Kurt Calleja (Malta)

When I join this grand parade of winners
and we’ve made this song a worldwide hit,
I will buy oh my own mike to sing in
and all the jobs I’ve had before, I’m surely gonna quit
– Beautiful Song, Anmary (Latvia)

Hop on to my ship, baby, I’ll make you fly
– Love Me Back, Can Bonomo (Turkey)

If you wanna come to my house,
then click me with your mouse
– The Social Network Song, Valentina Monetta (San Marino)

Different mission, different school,
I got only one rule,
always stay cool
like a swimming pool
– Euro Neuro, Rambo Amadeus (Montenegro)

I’m craving for your touch.
I want it way too much.
I’m craving for your touch.
Too much, your touch, too much.
– Aphrodisiac, Eleftheria Eleftheriou (Greece)

Mi chico bonito, un poco negrito, ven papito, ven acá
(My cute boy, a little bit dark, come daddy, come here)
– Zaleilah, Mandinga (Romania)

Don’t stop rock, rock this place,
don’t stop tryin’, try your best,
don’t stop, don’t stop movin’
– Unbreakable, Sinplus (Switzerland)

Knowing where to drive when stuff is falling on you is crucial in the modern world.

Nothing to fear when you are near, just gimme more
– La la Love, Ivi Adamou (Cyprus)

Now I miss you like Sahara misses rain
– Should’ve known better, Soluna Samay (Denmark)

When the night is falling from the sky,
just keep driving on a highway
– We Are the Heroes, Litesound (Belarus)

I’m just a womanizer, let me be your supervisor
– I’m a Joker, Anri Jokhadze (Georgia)

I know what I’d do if her house was empty.

And, just so you don’t think I’m completely heartless, my favourite lyric of 2012:

But what would you do if my house was empty?
My life in a bag and away from you
– Would you?, Iris (Belgium)